“Please” is not the magic word
Outdated and no longer polite
I must have heard it a thousand times growing up: “What’s the magic word?… Say please!”
We often assume that “please” is the hallmark of politeness. But nowadays, it’s losing its charm—and might even come across as rude, demanding, or condescending.
First, a note on cultural context…
My advice reflects norms in North American English (I grew up in Canada). The way people express politeness varies widely by culture and region, so what sounds natural in Canada or the US may differ in other regions.
In my opinion, proficient English speakers and English learners alike should be ready to adapt to different expectations in our communication with each other. Sometimes, that means I use “please” in my requests with my friends and colleagues from different cultures and language backgrounds if I think it’ll sound polite to them.
Wait… “please” isn’t polite anymore?!
In 2018, an anonymous reader wrote to The New York Times complaining that their coworkers no longer used “please.” The response?
“‘Please’ is done. ‘Please’ is the opening to sentences like ‘Take out the garbage’ or ‘Clean your room’ or ‘Have your TPS report on my desk by 5 p.m.’ … The ability of ‘please’ to make a sentence polite evaporated a generation ago.”
More recently, a March 2023 article called How Please Stopped Being Polite explained:
“[Please] tends to communicate an expectation, rather than a genuine question, and that can give it an authoritative edge… it can rub people the wrong way in plenty of circumstances. I, for one, can’t bring myself to summon it unless accepting something already offered—as in ‘Yes, please.’”
And from the same article:
“I can hardly imagine a young person saying ‘Could you please…’ except with special irritation stress on please, implying, ‘I’ve asked more than enough times.’”
Does this resonate with you? Are you offended when people don’t use the word “please”? Does it bother you when people do use it?
What does the research say?
In May 2024, researchers at UCLA published a study called The Magic Word? Face-Work and the Functions of Please in Everyday Requests.
Before conducting the study, the researchers assumed that people would be more likely to use “please” when communicating with strangers (like new clients) or people in authority (such as bosses and managers).
However…
The researchers discovered that English speakers rarely use “please” to make requests! In fact, they only use it about 7% of the time (even when communicating with clients, stakeholders, and upper-level managers).
Here are a couple of scenarios where English speakers do actually use “please”:
The recipient has already said “no”. It’s really clear that they don’t approve of what the requester wants.
The recipient is busy doing another task, and the requester understands they’re interrupting or causing irritation.
The recipient is being difficult or lazy, refusing to do what the requester is asking.
What happens when you say “please”?
When you use “please”, it can signal to the recipient that you think they’re being difficult.
Using please may unintentionally signal:
The recipient is procrastinating or unwilling: “Please send me the updated schedule.”
The recipient needs extra encouragement: “Could you please add this to the calendar?”
The result? Many English speakers perceive please as overly formal, passive-aggressive, or even pushy.
How can you improve your requests?
Consider reducing “please” in your requests and try these suggestions instead.
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“Could you…?”
“Would you be able to…?”These soften the request and make it seem like you’re asking for a favour rather than issuing a command.
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“I’m wondering if you were able to confirm tomorrow’s agenda.”
"Can we have the presentation ready for tomorrow's meeting?"
"Is it possible to arrange the meeting with the marketing team?"This approach makes the request feel more collaborative and less direct, which can be especially useful when you’re unsure of the other person’s availability or willingness.
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“Whenever you have a minute…”
“When you have a chance…”These show that you respect the other person’s time and priorities.
Tip: If the task is urgent, this can sound too flexible. You can use the phrases “as soon as” to communicate more urgency.
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“Just checking if you looked over the proposal yet?”
“Just confirming that you’ll be able to make those changes to the mockup this afternoon.”This can make your request seem more like a casual reminder than a demand. It also sounds friendly because it’s not a complete sentence (notice how the subject is missing). This is totally acceptable even in workplace communication (I use it all the time!).
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"It would be great if you could finish the draft by noon.”
This communicates expectations without sounding overly demanding. It’s a tricky one though. To me, this is starting to sound more formal.
Try it out
Can you ever use “please”?
You don’t have to completely eliminate “please” from your vocabulary (and you shouldn’t feel overly anxious about it, either). The situations where it sounds most natural are in fixed expressions and collocations. Here are a few examples:
Polite acceptance: “Yes, please!”
Encouraging outreach: “Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions.”
Requests in formal settings: “Please RSVP by Friday.”
Customer-facing communication: “Please let us know how we can assist you.”
It’s all about context. In friendly, collaborative environments, “please” can often feel too formal or pushy. But where it belongs to a fixed expression (a group of words that go together in a little unit), it can be totally fine.
Your thoughts?
How do you navigate the tricky waters of politeness in your requests? Do you plan to make any changes to how you use the word “please” in your English communication?
